Sometimes I struggle with positive thinking. Sometimes I think it’s a ridiculous lie to wake up every day and tell myself how awesome I am and how amazing life is.
Affirmations make me laugh and remind me of that old Stuart Smalley Saturday Night Live skit. (Yes, I'm old.) Stuart's trademark line is: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" ~ Stuart Smalley
I know don’t if they do.
I don’t know if I care that they do.
Do you ever wonder why the people who tell you to think positive and love yourself are beautiful people? Who’s gonna listen to fucking quasimodo tell us to think positive and love ourselves? That won’t sell. That’s not a brand.
And, sure, a lot of those beautiful people telling us "ugly" loners that we should think positive are that way because of their hard work. I’m absolutely not taking anything away from the hustle…
But let’s be real: there might also be a touch of youth, genetic make up, maybe plastic surgery--I'm not hating. If I had the cash I'd do an extreme fucking makeover on my face.
Insecurities weave themselves through my thoughts constantly. Even as I try to keep a positive and motivational spirit. I can’t help it. It’s how my brain is wired. It’s why I chose the tagline: Be Kind. Love Hard. Because it’s not hard—or inauthentic—for me to be kind. I want to be kind to people. I LIKE being kind to people. I LIKE loving (certain) people with every fiber of my soul. I really do. I want other people to feel good because I’ve been in their life. I don’t know if that’s narcissistic or not. If it is, then I’ll take that title. Happily.
But being positive all the time is difficult for me.
Just the other day, a friend grilled me—in one of those awesome I-needed-this ways. And the real insecurities came out. The ones that I never admit to anyone. The ones that are still there when I strip away all the positive jargon I try to make myself believe.
Here’s how I explained it: One of the most disappointing and depressing moments in my life came after an author photo shoot I did a few years back. I got my hair done for it. I got my make-up done for it. I hired a photographer who took beautiful photos and had MAD editing skills!
And when I got the pictures, I cried. I sobbed actually. Because I tried so hard to be beautiful. I pulled out all the stops I had the power and money to use…and I looked at every photo and cried. Because even after all that effort...I was still ugly.
I feel that same way about writing. The same friend asked me what I was afraid of in trying to get to the next stage in my career.
My answer: I’m always afraid of putting in all the effort…writing the words, perfecting the sentences, running themes throughout, using literary devices—making it the best book I can possibly wrIte—and for it to still suck.
I’m proud of every book I’ve ever written. I like the product I release. I have grown as a writer. But every time I put a new work out there, a new piece of my soul--I still think it's not good enough.
For what? For who?
I don’t know.
I’m not looking for sympathy or attention or compliments with this post. I’m giving you the story straight out of my head. These are the battles I face every day.
What if my next book becomes a USA Today Bestseller? Will that “validation” be the catalyst to make me feel differently?
No. I can’t stop the voices in my head. I'll always think it was a fluke. I'll think it was luck. It's not my writing. It's not all the books I've read to learn from others. It's not my creative writing degree. It's not my hard work over the last seven years of intensely studying the craft and working to be published.
So I choose positivity. I choose kindness. I choose strength. Because if I don’t, what do I have? What is there in life? What impact do I have in the grand scheme of things? I’m gonna be on this earth, live a few unimpactful years, and then die. And when I let my head go that way…who does that help?
It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help my kids. It doesn’t help all the wonderful, beautiful, broken people who I’m so grateful to have met in my life.
So there you go. Even after anti-anxiety medication. And motherhood. And XYZ number of books sold. There’s your glimpse into what I struggle with every day.
I don't have the answers.
I can't save you.
You can only save yourself.
I can be here for you. I can listen. I can talk with you. I can care about you and let you know how much of an impact you have made in my life and how amazing you are as an individual. I WANT TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS!
But I can't make you love yourself.
If you're reading this, I truly hope you don’t have these struggles. But if you do, know that you are not alone. And that every single day we have to keep pushing. Push to impact the people you come in contact with. Push to support and be kind to and LOVE the people in your life that you cherish--or that need it. Push to make your slice world a better place—because I truly believe it is, just by you being in it. I LOVE YOU LONERS!
Follow @missiomusic on Twitter/Facebook/IG for inspiration and motivation....and people who understand... #Loners