david butler

A Post for the Broken.

Sometimes I struggle with positive thinking.

Sometimes I think it’s a ridiculous lie to wake up every day and tell myself how awesome I am and how amazing life is.  

Affirmations make me laugh and remind me of that old Stuart Smalley Saturday Night Live skit. (Yes, I'm old.)  Stuart's trademark line is: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!"

I know don’t if people like me. 

I don’t know if I care that they do.

But I like me. And that wasn’t always the case.

I used to scroll social media, wondering why the people who tell us to think positive and love ourselves are all beautiful people. Did you ever notice that?

Who’s gonna listen to fucking quasimodo tell us to think positive and love ourselves? That won’t sell. That’s not a brand. (And yet, I try.)

And, sure, a lot of those beautiful people telling us “broken” others that we should think positive are how they are because of their hard work. I’m absolutely not taking anything away from the hustle…

But let’s be real: there might also be a touch of filters, genetic make-up, and maybe some plastic surgery--I'm not hating. If I had the cash I'd do an extreme fucking makeover on my face.

Insecurities weave themselves through my thoughts constantly. Even as I try to keep a positive and motivational spirit. I can’t help it. It’s how my brain is wired. It’s why I chose the tagline: Be Kind. Love Hard.

Because it’s not hard—or inauthentic—for me to be kind. I want to be kind to people. I LIKE being kind to people. I LIKE loving (certain) people with every fiber of my soul. I really do. I want other people to feel good because I’ve been in their life. I don’t know if that’s narcissistic or not. If it is, then I’ll take that title. Happily.

But being positive all the time is difficult for me.

Just the other day, a friend grilled me—in one of those awesome I-needed-this ways. And the real insecurities came out. The ones I never admit to anyone. The ones that are still there when I strip away all the positive shit I try to make myself believe.

Here’s how I explained it: One of the most disappointing and depressing moments in my life came after an author photo shoot I did a few years back. I got my hair done for it. I got my make-up done for it. I hired a photographer who took beautiful photos and had MAD editing skills!

And when I got the pictures, I cried. I sobbed, actually. Because I tried so hard to be beautiful. I pulled out all the stops I had the power and money to use…and I looked at every photo and cried. Because even after all that effort...I was still ugly. 

I feel that same way about writing. The same friend asked me what I was afraid of in trying to get to the next stage in my career. 

My answer: I’m always afraid of putting in all the effort…writing the words, perfecting the sentences, running themes throughout, using literary devices—making it the best book I can possibly wrIte—and for it to still suck. Or even worse—for it to not sell.

I’m proud of every book I’ve ever written. I like the product I release. I have grown as a writer. But every time I put a new work out there, a new piece of my soul--I still think it's not good enough.

For what? For who?

I don’t know.

I’m not looking for sympathy or attention or compliments with this post. I’m giving you the story straight out of my head. I know my negative thoughts aren’t truth. These are the internal battles I face every day. 

What if my next book becomes a USA Today or NYT bestseller? Will that “validation” be the catalyst to make me feel differently?

No.

But I can’t stop the voices in my head saying: It was a fluke. It’s not because you’re a good writer. It's not because you have a creative writing degree. It's not because of your hard work over the last seven years of intensely studying the craft and learning marketing, and then studying and learning agian when everything changes. It's not because of the countless books you’ve read in various genres to learn from others.

The thoughts are always there, but I can’t live in that place of negativity. I have to push though.

I choose positivity. I choose kindness. I choose strength.

Because if I don’t, what do I have? What is there in life? What impact do I have in the grand scheme of things? 

Am I gonna be on this earth, live a few unimpactful years, then die?

When I let my thoughts go that way…who does it help?

It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help my kids. It doesn’t help all the wonderful, beautiful, “broken” people who I’m so grateful to have met in my life. 

So there you go. Even after years of taking anti-anxiety medication. And after motherhood. And after XYZ number of books sold. There’s your glimpse into what I struggle with every day

I don't have the answers.

I can't save you.

You can only save yourself.

But I can be here for you. I can listen. I can talk with you. I can guide you to resources to help you train your brain to think a different way when those thoughts come up. I can care about you and let you know how much of an impact you have made in my life and how amazing you are as an individual. I WANT TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS!

But I can't make you love yourself.

If you're reading this, I truly hope you don’t have these struggles. But if you do, know that you are not alone. And that every single day we have to keep pushing.

Push to do the work to retrain your brain. Push to impact the people you come in contact with. Push to support, be kind to, and LOVE the people in your life that you cherish--or the one’s that need it. Push to make your slice world a better place—because I truly believe it is, just by you being in it.

You matter.

It’s okay to not be okay.

I’m here for you.

I love you.