Admitting Mistakes and Finding Balance Again

A friend recently called me a fixer. I denied it immediately. 

I’m not a fixer! I’m a healer!

But what I didn’t realize in that moment—with that person—was that I had strayed into “fixer”mode. I think many healers and caregivers tend to do this when they care about someone. But "fixing" is trying to manage an outcome by pushing my beliefs on someone.

And that’s not what my friend needed. That’s not what drew this person to me in the first place. He was drawn by my energy. My healing energy. That radiation that makes people feel better by being around me. 

 

I AM a healer.

 

When I stay centered and radiate my energy of love and light, that’s being a healer. I’m at my best when my energy calms people. When they can see a reflection of their love and light in me. That’s what helps them heal themselves. Healing comes when people make their own choices.

I veered off the path of healing into fixing.

And when I fell out of balance—it took me out of balance in other parts of my life. Or rather, it showed me how out of balance I was in other aspects of my life.

When this friend called me a fixer he was absolutely correct, but I didn’t see it. I tried to push my agenda on him instead of just loving him as he is for who he is. He is a beautiful soul. One who has taught me and propelled me forward.

I was off balance. My energy was not focused. I pushed my agenda onto him. Something he didn't deserve.

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I appreciate my friend for calling me out. I appreciate him for bringing the shift from healer to fixer to my attention. I have things to resolve in myself. I work on that every day. I am aware of it. My insecurities, which throw off my balance, hurt not only our friendship, but more importantly, hurt HIM. And for that, I deeply apologize. My friend was much better off when I was a source of light and love--the place I want to live.

If I'm honest--this friend is better off without me until I find my balance in other aspects of my life. Or maybe he'll chose to help me find that balance?

I’m not broken; I am out of balance. Every day I continue to reset and focus. 

To my friend: I’m sorry. I'm sorry for judging you instead of loving you. I’m sorry I tried to fix you when you weren’t the one who was out of balance. I'm sorry I spit my own insecurities at you. I see now. I understand. I appreciate you and all you said to me. You were right. You are right. Thank you for your honesty and energy. You have zero reason to forgive me, but I hope you can.

Today, I admit my mistakes and try to find balance again.